I’m Still Figuring Things Out

When I was 17, I remember having a conversation with my mom. She was pushing me to apply to these intense programs at the University of Alberta - and I could have. I loved school. But I loved people more. I loved feeling helpful more. It was more of a need than anything. So, I applied to the one program she didn’t want me to go into (obviously), the one that would make me the least amount of money and probably break my heart every day.

I’ve been trying to feel useful in that field for the last 13 years.

Writing this, I feel a deep level of uncomfortable privilege. If you’ve made it this far, I know you could be spending your time and energy on things far more important. This feels like a layer of fluff above a collection of extremely important issues. However, so many of you have supported my small business over the last two years, and I feel I owe some sort of explanation for my lack of enthusiasm toward it.

This space I’ve created has always been intended to support parents, educators, and caregivers - to provide a sense of community, to spread awareness on topics close to my heart and share a tiny bit of what I know, both professionally and personally, while I’m on my own parenting journey. This small business gave me a reason and an opportunity to stay close to my girls while also fulfilling some level of work and purpose. And thanks to so many of you, it took me places I never expected to go.

I had to feel like I was doing something to help, and I’m passionate about the products that came from that desire. I poured everything into it. It was where all my spare energy went when I wasn’t busy with my girls. And I loved it. I felt like this was me digging the groundwork for where I really wanted to go professionally in my life. I hope I get there one day soon.

Alberta Press kept me grounded and it’s still a gift for me as I navigate certain aspects of my personal life. Neglecting this thing that has been such a source of comfort has broken my heart. I never intended to neglect it, but when the world - and your world - takes such a sad turn, when you witness horrifying things happening, especially to children, it feels strange and painful to advertise your business. For some people, it’s simple: keep pushing, keep doing you, focus on yourself first. But that’s literally the opposite of my nature. I tried pushing for a while, but it just left me feeling gross with myself. I seriously struggled. I still struggle. And clearly, sales have declined, opportunities have slipped through my fingers, I’ve let some stores go, and I’ve struggled both personally and financially because of it. But I wouldn’t change the way my heart works for anything - I’m stubborn that way, and it’s not always in my favor. Which is fine. I mean, I’m fine with it.

I spent a year watching Palestinian children burn, lose everything sacred - their homes, their parents, their childhoods, their limbs, their land and culture, and, for more than I’ll ever be able to live with, their lives. I watched events unfold, and I watched as the world allowed the worst possible things to happen to a people. I watched as I changed… drastically. Everything about me changed. I’m in a place where I have to learn to know myself, to love myself, to recognize myself again. I’m now watching the same events happen in my homeland - the land I took my first steps on. All while mothering my girls to the best of my abilities and, beyond that, refocusing my personal life.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really don’t know how to be present with this business anymore, with this side of “normal life,” while witnessing so much pain and suffering happening to my people. I’ve always been very good at segmenting my life - but again, I’ve changed to a level where that has become extremely difficult for me. My focus has shifted, my capacity has changed, and my desires and passion have changed. While I see the orders coming in and continue to restock in stores (so grateful), my presence will continue to have a different focus.

My heart feels like it’s broken a million times, and whatever is left of it has been altered by the pain I’ve witnessed and the pain I’ve felt - and continue to feel. I love people and I love feeling helpful more than being “successful,” more than anything. My energy now goes into helping on a different scale. It’s where I’m finding myself again. So, forgive me for my lack of enthusiasm for this small business. It is still running, and it will continue to run, but so much has changed in me.

I’m still figuring things out.